I Thought I’m Over you…

Such a very HOT afternoon
Here I am…
In my parents’ room …
Munching some cookies…
A lot of cookies… 

I’m so glad it’s a FREE DAY…
Free from school works…
Free from some obligations…
I can do whatever I want w/n 24 hours…
Or better, I can even do nothing…
Eat… Rest… Relax… Chill… 

Out of doing nothing, I’ve browsed my phone’s inbox…
Being such a pathetic loser, I , again, made a sign…
The person behind the #22 ( my fave number)  message shall make me happy..
Extremely happy! 

But I was not happy with the results…
Destiny is such a dreadful joker
It always leaves an enormous mark that eventually leads to pain…
I bet you know who HE is…
He’s the same old freakin guy in my past entries… 

So there… I can’t imagine how time goes by so fast…
It was like yesterday when I first met him…
I was actually drooling with another guy that time…
I actually hated him for hindering a certain chance to be intimately close with THAT OTHER guy…
But all of a sudden, he made me forget that OTHER guy…
He almost became my EVERYTHING
ALMOST? Because that time, I was confused…
If I want him or just his intimacy…
or a guy’s intimacy…
I only realized it when our days are over…
I longed for him…I missed our SPECIAL moments…
SPECIAL to me, I don’t know what were those for him… 

And now, just that I’ve thought that I CAN move on…
Just that I’ve thought that all I was feeling during the so called DARK STAGE of mine was only an effect of VALENTINES DAY…
Just as I’ve thought that it was nothing and it was just a misinterpretation…
JUST AS I’VE THOUGHT THAT I’M OVER HIM…
I WAS FREAKIN WRONG…

For after making that PATHETIC sign…
All the memories that I’ve almost burnt (literally) came back out of no where…
After seeing his name on my #22 inbox…
I’ve felt all the precious feeling I’ve felt during our special moments…
I was expecting a special friend or a long lost friend…
But with that painful result…
That HE will make me extremely happy…
It’s like, saying that I’LL NEVER BE HAPPY or I’ DON’T DESERVE TO BE HAPPY
For I’M 100% CERTAIN that IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!

Why??? 

Do I deserve this???

*** I rather being busy with some worthy stuffs, than doing nothing… It leads me to think about him…

“Well I guess I’m trying to be nonchalant about it
And I’m going the extremes to prove I’m fine without you
But in reality I’m slowly loosing my my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I’m dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
’cause I don’t want to reveal that fact that I’m suffering
So I wear my disguise ’til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then I break down and cry“

-Mariah Carey ( Breakdown)

 

~ by geexie on February 24, 2007.