Just Smile With Me :)

 
 

Reviewing my past blog entries (especially the private ones) brought a pinch of embarrassment on my part. I never knew I can be that SOOOO dramatic… Maybe, I’ve encountered such experiences for the very first time, and worse, I’ve encountered those all at once…

So if you are to ask if I’m okay,,, I can smile with all my heart now, even though it’s not that 100% but still…

Last night, the moment I’ve arrived here at my crib, maraming good news akong na-receive. SOOO GOOD to the point that tears almost fell. I’ve rushed to my room, locked the door and, oh well, rained poured down… A’last, in this span of my so-called DARK AGE this year,,, I had a good cry… NAIIYAK KO NA DIN LAHAT! And it felt good… bursting all the mixed emotions inside. My pillows and stuffs toys are the witnesses. I’m slowly coming back…

The thing that’s making me sad right now is my grandma. Umalis na siya dito sa house. Hayyy… There were times kasi na I’m almost neglecting her because I’ve been busy with the school stuffs and I did have only limited time to talk to her. Well, babalik pa naman siya. Nakakalungkot lang talaga… Well, I think it’s for the betterment of, oh well… I believe realizations occured… hehe

I think everything’s getting back to normal… Well, it depends upon my choice naman… If I choose to be bothered by stuffs that are NOT WORTHY of my precious time, then who’s the loser diba? Ako din…

Maraming tumulong sa akin… Lots of advices… lots of friends… lots of concerned people… And I really appreciate that. Ang dami kong na-realize. Although minsan, yung iba eh nabobother na din and nagiging affected sa mga kadramahan ko sa buhay,,, I’m so sorry… wag nio na lang akong pansinin… Just smile with me… hehe… Thanx a lot guys ( you know who you are… ang dami nio eh…).

Well, babangitin ko na alng yung mga UNEXPECTED peepz.

• sa taong twice kong naka-qtt n kahit may sariling problem eh swak na swak pa rin ang advices sa akin… in fairness, nakatulong ang “lamyerda” advice mo.
• sa dalawang taong concern sa akin dahil may nalaman silang not-so-good-news sa other side of the issue. thanx! di nio na ko kailangang i-zoom zoom at i-warp warp. the mere fact na concern kayo sa akin, super touched na ako.
• sa taong kinaiinisan ko nung app pa lang ako pero isang upuan lang, sandamakmak na lessons ang natutunan ko. tama ka. hindi ako dapat magpatalo. wala akong dapat talikuran. kailangan kong harapin. salamat. pero mas magaling parin talaga ang rc cainta sa cheering. hehe
• sa taong pinagbubuhusan ko ng kaparanoidan ko sa life. salamat at andiyan ka sa tuwing nangangailangan ako ng kausap. nahihiya na nga ako sau kasi marami akong bagay na nailalabas sa iyo na kahiyahiya na kasi nga, paranoid na nga ako. hehe. malaking bagay na yung nakikinig ka sa akin.
• at sa taong kahit hindi ko na nakakausap masyado in person eh nagagawa parin akong payuhan through text and ym,,, super na-appreciate ko iyon. may paki-alam ka parin pala sa akin. your words moved me. and kasama na din yung mere fact na you care. maraming salamat.

I LOVE MY SELF… And I won’t let some crappy moments ruin my 20 years of living. Exam lang ito ni God,,, kung paano ko maia-apply lahat… And I can’t believe I can be that strong pala… Shocks!

Malapit na… malapit na

Again, thanks a lot! Makakabawi din ako sa inyo balang araw

*****************************

I may say that I’m just ok
I may smile all through the way
I may laugh hard as if I’m not worrying
I may talk a lot as if I know what I’m saying.
And if one time
You’d get to see,
What’s really inside of me,
Why I try to be funny and crazy, PLEASE…
Don’t ask why…
JUST PLEASE SMILE WITH ME

Cool-Off!

I don’t know but I do feel aggravated whenever I hear that phrase. Well, don’t get me wrong.  I’ve never experienced that crap. “BREAK KUNG BREAK”.  Hehe.. It’s just that, I think Yeng’s song lyrics is some kind of…. Oh well…

There’s this day when (I guess) I did a humiliating scene in a videoke room. I was with my orgmates that time. Hehe.  We were having fun like we’re singing songs that applicable in our daily lives (haha!). What’s weird with the picture is my orgmate who never had a boyfriend sang “COOL OFF” and she dedicated the song for those who are currently having a BITTERMELON outlook in life ( I hope you got that one!)… Yeah, she sang that! And there were 2 of us who slight reacted violently. Sinasagot talaga naming yung song lyrics… haha… And suddenly, the moment I’ve internalized the words… Tears fell down… Errrrrr…. How embarrassing! Isampal ba naman sayo bawat line ng song, sinong hindi maiiyak? Ahahaha…

“ Mahal naman kita pero kailangan ko lang mag-isa… Wag mong isipin na hindi ka na mahal, sarili ko’y hahanapin ko lang. At ang panahon at ang oras ng aking pagkawala ay para din sa ating dalawa”.

How lame! Couples share burdens right? Well, it’s an act of selfishness; patching everything with excuses.

That was my previous perception until someone left this quotable quote:

“ Alam niyo kasi, kailangan din ng couple na maghiwalay para maayos nila kung ano man yung magulo sa kanila at pati na rin sa mga sarili nila. Kailangan nila ng oras at space at pag dumating na nga yung oras na nami-miss na nila yung isa’t-isa… Maaring sila nga talaga”…

It’s very surprising. At first, I thought that phrase is “so highschool” pero I got those words from a pro (take note, he was in a semi formal attire then, driving while explaining that stuff)

Kahit ASAR ako sa taong iyon, in fairness medyo may point siya at napaisip din ako.

But still, I’m not convinced with the idea… and THAT particular kind of REASON… hehe…  Because I still believe in the principle of unselfish love ( yeahbah! Haha..)…

Actually, everything’s still unclear… Pwedeng magbago ang pananaw ko sa COOL-OFF…  Pero I still don’t like the song! Ahahaha…

Senxa, kakarinig ko lang kasi ulit ng song kaya naisipan kong i-blog… There…

Na-miss niyo ako noh???? Wahahahaha!

All this time…

Haha… call me a fool but I can’t still get the message of this song ( or maybe, I just don’t wanna open my mind? haha…)

 

All this time
I knew someday you’d need to find
Something that you left behind
Something I can’t give you

All these tears
And like alight love disappears
But hearts are good for souvenirs
And memories are forever

All this time
All in all I’ve no regrets
The sun still shines the sun still sets
The heart forgives the heart forgets
But what will I do now with all this time

One more kiss
Even though it’s come to this
I’ll close my eyes and make a wish
Hoping you remember

All this time
All in all I’ve no regrets
The sun still shines the sun still sets
The heart forgives the heart forgets
But what will I do now with all this time

Say goodbye
Apart we’ll make another try
But don’t be sorry if you cry
I’ll be crying too
All these days…

All this time
All in all I’ve no regrets
The sun still shines the sun still sets
The heart forgives the heart forgets
But what will I do now with all this time

Can someone?

 

Whoah!

Now I’m coming back… Haha! As If I have audiences here… lolz…

Well, a reliable source came to me hours ago and confirmed HIS real feelings for me as of this moment. “Di naman nawala iyon eh. Siya lang yung nagbago.”. Aw, I don’t know… I still have this inquisition, WHY DID HE GIVE UP? Maybe my attitude towards him have changed but believe me, my FEELINGS didn’t. Nagulat ako, and until now, I still can’t believe it.  You can throw any hard stuffs to me anytime but, I STILL LOVE HIM…

“Saka ayaw ko siyang guluhin, maraming commitments yun”.  He said that…

That reliable source is a good friend of mine.  And I really wanna hug her for saying this line to him “Alam mo bang sa dami ng commitments niya ay nagagawa ka pa niyang isipin?”. Dayum! I love you Veron! haha… Because it’s 100% true! And according to her, He is convinced that we really need to talk… That made me smile.

Well, one thing that just disappoints me is that, he doesn’t believe in me whenever I say that I miss him… Well, bahala siya.. Kung alam lang talaga niya….

We never had the chance to talk about THAT. Sana magkaroon.. How I really wish…

this is such a shame…

this is such a shame…

i know that weeks or even a month has passed and yet, i am still like this…

maybe the wounds isn’t that fresh anymore but,,, those are still wounds…

i don’t know, when the heck shall they heal???

i’m freaking tired and this is fuckin difficult…

i want to focus w/ such impt things but my heart is saying that he is still important…

fuck! he’s gone! why can’t i accept that fact???

now that he’s not around, that he’s literally away from me ( and from our org because of what happened),,,  it’s more difficult that i am freaking longing and i don’t know if he still feels the same way… sheeshh… this is such a desperate act…

maybe i aint feeling the same thing,,, but that feeling didn’t die off… i still have feelings for him ( and i don’t know what’s that… maybe love? lesser love? but it’s still love…)…

errr… i really wanted to delete everything that has his marks… my blogs, his txt messages, the pics of his notebook that has doodles of my name from bianx in my fone, my first dedicate song to him in my fone… but then, i can’t… i don’t know why?

i’ve already sealed all those things that he gave me in a paperbag… even the shirt that he gave ( his birthday gift) that i wore weeks ago, just to give him hints that he is still welcome… dayum,,, shame on me…

i want to move on! but i can’t… oh gwad!

ok, if this week… nothing happens,,, then this is it…

i think i should stop longing…

i think…

i think he doesn’t need me anymore… that he has overcomed his past problem…

that should be a sign…

it should be…

+++++++++

okay, i thought that entry is over, but i stll want to burst things…

now what???  i supposed i’ve said everything?

next week shall be my hell week, i hope he shall not interfere with it… now how about my signs?

hayyy…

last tuesday, i was such a paranoid… i was like, what if he falls for another? but the reason why we broke up is that he can’t give me enough attentions… connection? just connect it…

i can’t take this anymore…

i know time shall heal…

but when???

i want to be okay now…

i want to feel okay…

but how?